1 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:28,560 Good evening, it's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:32,140 in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a 50 -year -old doctor who 3 00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:34,180 claims that smoking takes years off your life. 4 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,580 He says that if he hadn't smoked when he was younger, he'd now be 63. 5 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:46,540 And we'll be talking to a Romford girl who took the pill, washed down with pond 6 00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:50,640 water, and who was today diagnosed as three months stagnant. 7 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,840 Then we should be talking to the groundsman who used pansy seed instead 8 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,340 seed and queered his pitch. 9 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:06,880 But first, the news. 10 00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:11,560 The Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure that we don't all 11 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,040 suddenly become poor when we reach 60. 12 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,040 He's going to make sure we're all poor when we reach 30. 13 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,320 Yes, this announcement came at the end of a very heated session of Parliament. 14 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,520 Then tempers cooled in the Commons bar. 15 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,820 Mr Wilson bought Mr Heath a pink gin. 16 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:30,920 he bought Mr Powell a black gin, and he bought Mr Wedgwood Ben a pint of 17 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:31,920 EvoStick. 18 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:40,060 The funeral took place today of Mr Spencer P. 19 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:43,460 Dobson, the famous compiler of crossword puzzles. 20 00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:47,440 After a short service, he was buried six down and three across. 21 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:53,120 But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, a man who's so modest that when 22 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:56,100 published his autobiography recently, he wasn't even mentioned in it. 23 00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:06,500 John Crabtree, you've got oodles to talk about. You two have got so much in 24 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,020 common. John, I'd like you to meet David Long. 25 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,800 Ah, how do you do? 26 00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:13,040 You've really got so much in common. 27 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:15,660 Lovely woman. 28 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,140 I was just wondering... After you. No, after you. 29 00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:23,960 I was just wondering what you do in life. 30 00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:26,600 Well, actually, I'm a marketing executive. 31 00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:28,060 Are you really? 32 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:32,070 So am I. Well, I... However, isn't that a strange coincidence? 33 00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:35,610 Yes, it is. 34 00:02:38,370 --> 00:02:40,410 Have you known our host this long? 35 00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,450 About 12 years. 36 00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:48,230 12 years. 37 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,810 About the same as me. 38 00:02:56,070 --> 00:02:57,490 Rather a nice house. 39 00:02:59,050 --> 00:03:00,510 Of course, not to my taste. 40 00:03:00,770 --> 00:03:01,770 Nor mine. 41 00:03:01,850 --> 00:03:04,830 I prefer something more elaborate. 42 00:03:05,890 --> 00:03:06,890 Me too. 43 00:03:10,210 --> 00:03:13,110 Did you know that the way their marriage is on the rocks? 44 00:03:14,170 --> 00:03:15,670 I knew it wouldn't last. 45 00:03:16,870 --> 00:03:18,970 Although, of course, I never did like him. 46 00:03:19,270 --> 00:03:22,070 Rather a sort of non -person, if you ask me. 47 00:03:23,610 --> 00:03:24,610 Peanut? 48 00:03:25,650 --> 00:03:27,190 No, I try not to. 49 00:03:29,230 --> 00:03:30,510 to watch the waste, you know. 50 00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,830 Well, it's been awfully nice talking to you. 51 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:35,570 Must circulate. 52 00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:38,030 What a boring man. 53 00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,070 Really? 54 00:03:55,630 --> 00:03:56,369 Oh, yes. 55 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,370 Ah, good evening. 56 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:00,660 We seem to be having a bit of trouble with the film tonight. 57 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,080 Apparently the machine has broken down, so I'm afraid we'll have to carry on 58 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,820 with the news without film. 59 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,120 Good evening. Here is the news. 60 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:12,220 Her Majesty the Queen left London today to spend a few weeks at Balmoral. 61 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,959 The royal party seemed in holiday mood. The Queen's corgis barked happily, and 62 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,540 Her Majesty waved to the large crowd. 63 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:22,100 In the House of Commons... Excuse me. 64 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,360 What? 65 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,320 What, who, me? 66 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:27,520 Me? 67 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,200 Do what? 68 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:31,960 What, you mean all of it? 69 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:35,700 All right, all right. 70 00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:37,340 If you insist. 71 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:50,120 In the House of Commons today, 72 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:54,980 during discussions on the common market, the opposition accused the government 73 00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:56,820 of cheating during their election campaign. 74 00:04:57,310 --> 00:05:01,130 and a heated argument broke out between front benches on both sides. 75 00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:02,549 You cheated. 76 00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:03,990 You don't want to smash your face in. 77 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,450 You shut up, or I'll get Mrs Thatcher to smash your face in. 78 00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,730 No news of one of the world's sex symbols. 79 00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:15,710 Tom Jones flew into London Airport today. 80 00:05:16,570 --> 00:05:23,530 He was piloting his own private 81 00:05:23,530 --> 00:05:26,210 plane, stripped to the waist and wearing very tight trousers. 82 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,040 he made a remarkable three -point landing. 83 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,480 One of Britain's largest ball -bearing manufacturers, International Bearings 84 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,420 Limited, has announced that it's been forced to go into liquidation. 85 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,360 A spokesman for the... What? 86 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,940 Forced into what? Oh, I see. 87 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:47,220 Oh, I hadn't thought of that, yes. 88 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,600 Forced to go into liquidation. 89 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,380 It took quite some time. 90 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,600 How's that? Ice and lemon? 91 00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,860 A spokesman for the firm blamed labour troubles. 92 00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:15,500 We've had several strikes all at once, he claimed. 93 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:24,260 Also blamed was the loss of exports due to the government's decision to float 94 00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:25,260 the pound. 95 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:36,200 Sport. Sport preparations are already underway for Cow's Week. 96 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,620 The annual sailing regatta. 97 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,380 Her Majesty the Queen is entering a brand new yacht in the race for the 98 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,820 time. The yacht has been specially designed for her by Norman Hartnell. 99 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:49,740 The trials took place... ..with matching accessories. 100 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,080 Trials took place last Monday, but were not completely successful. 101 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,460 And football? 102 00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,240 Many matches were abandoned today as they were too wet. 103 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,630 I've just received an unexpected flash. 104 00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:26,650 There was a hold -up at the National Provincial Bank in 105 00:07:26,650 --> 00:07:27,650 Surbiton this afternoon. 106 00:07:27,850 --> 00:07:31,490 A man rushed into the bank with a stocking over his head and attacked a 107 00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:32,490 cashier. 108 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:58,270 helping the police with their inquiries, and several policemen are helping the 109 00:07:58,270 --> 00:07:59,290 cashier on with her tights. 110 00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:04,410 Finally, the world -famous acrobats of the Moscow State Circus arrived in this 111 00:08:04,410 --> 00:08:05,510 country for a six -week tour. 112 00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:09,790 Sure how pleased they were to be visiting Britain, they leapt in the air, 113 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:12,770 on each other's shoulders, and turned back somersaults and did the splits. 114 00:08:13,930 --> 00:08:20,390 And the BBC 115 00:08:20,390 --> 00:08:23,550 newsreader resigned after blowing a raspberry in front of 10 million 116 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:44,300 Once upon a summertime, if you recall, 117 00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:51,920 we stopped beside a little flower stall. A bunch of 118 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:58,580 brats, forget -me -nots, was all you'd let me buy you. 119 00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:05,300 Once upon a summertime, just like today. 120 00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:15,620 are a happy afternoon away and stole a kiss in 121 00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,760 every street cafe 122 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,400 Thank you. 123 00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:13,510 Yes, I'm just off to Tyne. 124 00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:19,690 Any chance of popping down to the Crine and dining one? 125 00:12:19,910 --> 00:12:21,550 Well, no, I dite it, I dite it. 126 00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:24,750 That doesn't sound like you, Brian. 127 00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:29,130 Well, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't be seen in the Crine for a thousand pints. 128 00:12:30,610 --> 00:12:31,610 Oh, really? 129 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:35,550 No, no. As a matter of fact, I was made to look rather inclined when I was there 130 00:12:35,550 --> 00:12:38,170 before. I popped into the pub, you know, when I was eight. 131 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,300 As you know, it's the only pub round about. 132 00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,380 And the whole place was full of sort of diner nights. 133 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,880 And lights. And, you know, all sort of shiting about. 134 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,240 You know, generally a sort of thick on the grind. 135 00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:56,480 And then one rotten hind heard me order a round of drinks and started shiting 136 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,700 out about the way I sang. 137 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,080 The binders. 138 00:13:00,540 --> 00:13:06,260 Mind you, I've always thought your voice was a bit dark bright. Yes. I've always 139 00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:10,320 fined. Well, nevertheless, they all sort of cried it round me, which I was sort 140 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,280 of prined upon, and then one rotten hind bit me ten pines. I wouldn't go three 141 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,280 rinds with him. 142 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,660 I bet you didn't turn him dine. 143 00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:20,560 You were far too pride. 144 00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:25,040 Oh, yes, yes. I threw my jacket to the grind, and then they all laughed out 145 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,040 at me. 146 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:28,100 I got my braces on the wrong way round. 147 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,060 The binders. Yes. 148 00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:32,260 Where are any women around? 149 00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,120 Thousands and thousands, yes. 150 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:38,460 But I announced lightly that I'd show them a thing or two worth chafing about. 151 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,880 And did you? I'm afraid I did. My trousers fell down. 152 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:10,280 Higley and Charlie, on the trail of the dreaded clumsy drug, which was being 153 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,900 used to make fools out of public figures, had tracked the gang to 154 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:19,380 but had been lured into a trap at the notorious El Fatal Club, situated at 155 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,440 number 17, Rue de Remarque. 156 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:29,920 As they left, they were attacked by two thugs disguised as lady tourists and 157 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,640 taken by car to a lonely villa a few miles out of town. 158 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:40,520 There, Waiting for them stood the fascinating Madame Cocotte, widely 159 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,220 for her beauty and publicly known for unveiling things for charity. 160 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:52,720 But at the same time, she was secretly concerned with drugs, shifting 161 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:53,880 of amazing proportions. 162 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,580 At this moment, however, as she shifted her own amazingly proportioned 163 00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:03,460 quantities towards the car, there was but one thought in her head. 164 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,400 Murder. 165 00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:12,110 Welcome, gentlemen, to the Villa d 'Aton, my little country body. 166 00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:15,330 Seat. Country seat. 167 00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:19,550 It is quite, you know. 168 00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:21,190 That's very nice, yes. 169 00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:25,670 Shall we go in and sit down? We can be more comfortable. 170 00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:39,679 Now go. 171 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,800 Get back to town. 172 00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:45,480 And take off that terrible make -up and the clothes. 173 00:15:48,020 --> 00:15:49,200 You don't get me. 174 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,580 You think I am foolish. 175 00:15:57,260 --> 00:16:00,780 A poor, frail, unarmed girl to cope with two men. 176 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,900 But I am not unarmed. 177 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,520 My arms are on my legs. 178 00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:14,890 only have to lift my legs and you are dead. 179 00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:24,250 I do not intend to kill you 180 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,250 yet. 181 00:16:27,690 --> 00:16:30,190 Your green sleeves will be my first victim. 182 00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:32,110 Green sleeves? 183 00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:33,290 But he's the head of your gang. 184 00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:34,650 Not for much longer. 185 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,030 Bob Job and I are going to take over the business. 186 00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:41,950 That little Japanese crook. 187 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,210 I like him. 188 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:46,870 I wouldn't trust him further than I can throw him. 189 00:16:47,650 --> 00:16:49,250 Which is not as far as I'd like to. 190 00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:52,270 I didn't say I trusted him. I like him. 191 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:56,470 I like old men who are shorter than I am. 192 00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:01,770 I'll ask those two villains not to arrive until tomorrow. 193 00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:05,990 I have a little unfinished business with you, shall I? 194 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,140 I've run out of jelly beans, if that's what you're after. 195 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:14,920 They are so sweet. 196 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:21,400 Oh, it may interest you to know that while you were searching the hotel for a 197 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:26,000 pair of panties on which was printed a map of the side out, you were completely 198 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,400 wasting your time. 199 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,320 Why? We found a pair with a map on them? 200 00:17:30,660 --> 00:17:31,660 Yours they were. 201 00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,220 Of course. 202 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,820 But they were a pair of big red herrings. 203 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:41,160 If not the pair I saw, I would have hardly covered a tiddler. 204 00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:42,880 You are so foolish. 205 00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:47,260 All the time you looked for him at the foamy lie itself was written on another 206 00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:48,860 pair. Another pair? 207 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,600 Whose? 208 00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:53,620 Mine. 209 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:57,980 The ones I hear wearing at his knee. 210 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,220 Come, let's go to my room. 211 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,400 We can be alone much more comfortably. 212 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:06,900 Good night, Monsieur Piggy. 213 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:08,760 See you later, Chief. 214 00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:10,560 Hope you get a good night. 215 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,080 Yeah. 216 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,800 Not as good as you're going to get either. 217 00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:17,760 Have a good day, Chief. My hands are tied. 218 00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:22,100 We'll think of something. 219 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:24,500 Good night. 220 00:19:16,810 --> 00:19:21,350 And so, as Charlie Farley lay upstairs with his conscience pricking him, Piggy 221 00:19:21,350 --> 00:19:24,650 Malone suffered a similar sensation, but not in the same place. 222 00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:26,690 Oh! 223 00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:29,750 At 224 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:43,410 last 225 00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:44,410 he was free. 226 00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:48,000 Now... with the door bolted and barred from the outside. 227 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,240 There was nothing he could do but wait. 228 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,020 Good morning. 229 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,080 Did you manage to get everything? 230 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,040 Yes. 231 00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:51,020 What did you manage? 232 00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:53,380 I managed. 233 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,260 Yeah, I bet you did. 234 00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,340 Where's Charlie? 235 00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,660 He had locked him in the bedroom. 236 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,300 He's a little exhausted. 237 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,120 He's a little exhausted rat. 238 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,940 Upstairs were you pandering to his foibles? 239 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,820 And he down here sitting on me own? 240 00:21:16,490 --> 00:21:17,490 It is there. 241 00:21:24,470 --> 00:21:25,490 Don't make a sound. 242 00:21:33,930 --> 00:21:35,470 Good morning, my dear. 243 00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:38,930 I trust we're not too early for our appointment. 244 00:21:40,110 --> 00:21:41,110 Not at all. 245 00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:44,390 Especially yesterday, your appointment. 246 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:46,300 He's with your maker. 247 00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:04,140 An excellent device, my dear. Double -barreled, I see. 248 00:22:04,420 --> 00:22:05,580 Do you need any help? 249 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:06,840 A re -roading? 250 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,160 Yes, three bullets. 251 00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:11,020 One here, another two in this one. 252 00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:12,660 There's no time to lose. 253 00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:14,200 I've got death at my passport. 254 00:22:15,020 --> 00:22:17,000 And then come back and finish off this boy. 255 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:21,320 Stay and guard him. 256 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:22,900 And lock the door behind me. 257 00:24:03,530 --> 00:24:04,530 What do you think of this one? 258 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:52,760 Come on, she's getting away. 259 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,960 She's still wearing those pants with the formula on. Oh, you've seen it? Not 260 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,700 half. But didn't you have it? No, it was too much to remember. 261 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,000 Oh, really? 262 00:25:01,220 --> 00:25:02,700 I shall never forget it. 263 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,320 Our two intrepid detectives were on the horns of a dilemma as they chased the 264 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,280 bold, bad, beautiful Madame Cocotte. 265 00:25:36,620 --> 00:25:40,300 At any moment, she may throw caution to the winds and her knickers out of the 266 00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:41,300 window. 267 00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:44,940 Or did she intend to sit tight on the information? 268 00:25:47,460 --> 00:25:52,460 Don't miss next week, the final gripping installment, Double Exposure. 269 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:25,200 And so I came to see him and little of the world. 270 00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:34,000 And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my 271 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:40,840 eyes, struggling by pain with his feet, begging by life 272 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:41,980 with his words, 273 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:48,100 killing me softly with his tongue, killing me softly. 274 00:26:57,110 --> 00:26:59,910 Thank you. 275 00:28:43,330 --> 00:28:44,330 Thank you. 276 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:39,180 Now here is a very funny story about a chap who turns up at a golf 277 00:29:39,180 --> 00:29:43,700 course. By the way, I may cry a little when I'm telling this joke. 278 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,680 Take no notice, you know, and enjoy yourselves. 279 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:53,520 Perhaps I should explain that I have recently had to give up golf for health 280 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:54,520 reasons. 281 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,140 My wife is going to kill me. 282 00:29:58,860 --> 00:30:04,600 You see, for some time now, for some time now, she's had this ridiculous idea 283 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:09,820 that I spend so much time playing golf that I'm losing touch with her. 284 00:30:10,270 --> 00:30:12,630 and our two or three children. 285 00:30:16,430 --> 00:30:20,630 Little what's -her -name and the other one. 286 00:30:22,130 --> 00:30:27,350 Actually, it all came to a head at about 11 .30 last night. 287 00:30:27,850 --> 00:30:29,830 She suddenly shouted at me. 288 00:30:30,250 --> 00:30:35,730 Golf, golf, golf, she said. All you ever think about, she said, is bloody golf. 289 00:30:36,110 --> 00:30:39,130 And I'll be... Honest. I mean, it frightened the life out of me. 290 00:30:39,490 --> 00:30:43,950 I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time 291 00:30:43,950 --> 00:30:44,950 night. 292 00:30:51,170 --> 00:30:54,030 Perhaps sing the putting. As you know, it's not too hot. Anyway, honestly, 293 00:30:54,270 --> 00:30:59,930 honestly, the way... We shan't dwell on that. Anyway, honestly, the way she 294 00:30:59,930 --> 00:31:02,390 carried on, you would think that I was golf mad. 295 00:31:03,010 --> 00:31:07,640 You know, for instance, there's her rather... you know, unfair attitude 296 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:09,840 my life -size inflatable Arnold Palmer. 297 00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:16,180 No, she... No, no, she don't... No, no, be honest. She doesn't stick a pin in 298 00:31:16,180 --> 00:31:17,180 it. No, she doesn't do that. 299 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:20,220 She used to wait till I was asleep and push it out of bed. 300 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:29,000 Now, she's even knocked down my little pile of stones in the corner of the 301 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,480 garden where I had my vision of Lee Trevino. 302 00:31:36,620 --> 00:31:40,620 That's another thing. I mean, when I play golf, I mean, I'm so much 303 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:44,400 you know. Of course, I still take a few little pills in the morning when I'm, 304 00:31:44,420 --> 00:31:48,180 you know, not at my best. I mean, you know, let me see. I take a couple of red 305 00:31:48,180 --> 00:31:49,900 ones to get me to the bathroom. 306 00:31:50,620 --> 00:31:57,320 And a green one to make it worthwhile when I get there. 307 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:05,520 And a white one to offset the side effects of the green one. 308 00:32:07,310 --> 00:32:11,050 A little blue one to give me the nerve to get across the main road without 309 00:32:11,050 --> 00:32:12,050 knocked over. 310 00:32:12,170 --> 00:32:15,850 And a couple of black ones so that if I do get knocked over, I'm going to enjoy 311 00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:16,850 it. 312 00:32:16,870 --> 00:32:19,030 Anyway, that's by the by. 313 00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:23,950 This chap, back to the story, this chap joins a golf club, you see. And on his 314 00:32:23,950 --> 00:32:29,650 first game, he tees up and he takes out, you know, a piece of 4x2 out of his 315 00:32:29,650 --> 00:32:33,870 bag. And he whacks the ball straight down the fairway. And his second shot, 316 00:32:33,870 --> 00:32:36,550 plays brilliantly onto the green with an old hockey stick. 317 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:42,880 Lenny thinks a 25 -foot putt with a piece of rusty gas pipe, blindfolded 318 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,200 whistling the Alleluia Chorus. 319 00:32:47,460 --> 00:32:51,180 For which, incidentally, my father wrote all the words. 320 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:55,120 Well, not all of them, you know, some of them. 321 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:57,280 The best ones. 322 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,360 However, his opponent, back to the golf match, his opponent, upon observing, not 323 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,160 unnaturally becomes full of alarm and despondency. 324 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:09,980 and a lot of other big words, and he can't believe his eyes. 325 00:33:10,180 --> 00:33:12,020 I can't believe my eyes, he says. 326 00:33:12,260 --> 00:33:13,460 There, I told you you couldn't. 327 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:21,460 And the other members are equally amazed. Bless my soul, they say, and 328 00:33:21,460 --> 00:33:23,400 that, and smash his face in. 329 00:33:26,540 --> 00:33:28,600 I don't know why they said that, you know, but they did. 330 00:33:28,860 --> 00:33:32,900 Anyway, this chap gets round in this manner, easily winning the game, you 331 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:34,220 by about five and six. 332 00:33:34,420 --> 00:33:39,230 Anyway. His opponent, who'd recently paid £100 for a new set of match golf 333 00:33:39,230 --> 00:33:41,830 clubs, said to him, look, he said, I'm going back to the clubhouse to cut my 334 00:33:41,830 --> 00:33:43,390 throat. Can I buy you a drink? 335 00:33:44,730 --> 00:33:48,910 To which he replies, thank you kindly. And he sets off to the clubhouse, you 336 00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:51,710 see. Now, I'll bet you're all wondering what's going to happen next. 337 00:33:53,130 --> 00:33:54,670 I am, because I've forgotten the ending. 338 00:33:57,190 --> 00:34:00,870 No, no, I haven't, no, I haven't. When they get to the clubhouse, you see, he 339 00:34:00,870 --> 00:34:02,170 asks for a large whiskey. 340 00:34:02,879 --> 00:34:07,140 He juggles two pieces of ice and heads them, one at a time, into the glass, 341 00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:11,600 followed by a squirt of soda from 14 yards away without touching the sides. 342 00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:16,000 Well, the captain of the golf club, Mr. Montgomery, the captain of the golf club 343 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,219 approached him and said, Excuse me, old chap. Very nice man, you know. 344 00:34:19,739 --> 00:34:22,760 Eaton, Cambridge, the guards and new faces. 345 00:34:25,780 --> 00:34:29,340 He said, We couldn't help noticing the unorthodox manner in which you conduct 346 00:34:29,340 --> 00:34:33,620 yourself. Everything you do, you do in the most roundabout way. So the hero 347 00:34:33,620 --> 00:34:37,260 said, well, the answer is, you see, he said, you see, I'm so incredibly good at 348 00:34:37,260 --> 00:34:41,860 everything that unless I make everything difficult as possible, I get bored to 349 00:34:41,860 --> 00:34:47,679 death. The other chap said, do you mind if I ask a very, very personal question? 350 00:34:48,540 --> 00:34:55,400 The chap says, I know what you're going to ask, you 351 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:56,659 naughty, naughty man. 352 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:00,620 And the answer is standing up in a hammock. 353 00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:39,010 Just like a donkey braying, I don't think she'll be staying. 354 00:35:41,490 --> 00:35:48,410 Her thumb is moving south, she works for rent 355 00:35:48,410 --> 00:35:49,410 -a -mouth. 356 00:35:54,130 --> 00:35:59,190 She looked a bit like Flo, that's a horse I used to know. 357 00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:23,860 This old man came rolling home. Her old man, next to you, needs a damn 358 00:36:23,860 --> 00:36:25,020 good talking to. 359 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:30,140 Now she's in the club. He's off boozing down the pub. 360 00:36:32,620 --> 00:36:37,760 My old man, he plays hell after all the girls as well. 361 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:42,360 Knick -knack, paddywhack, give him half a chance. He'd leave me a right old 362 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,320 dance. My old man's just as bad. 363 00:36:46,090 --> 00:36:47,770 himself the proper lad. 364 00:36:48,010 --> 00:36:52,350 Knick -knack, paddy -whack, lock him in the roo. That soon cools his how -do 365 00:36:52,350 --> 00:36:53,350 -do. 366 00:36:55,290 --> 00:37:00,190 Her old man, he's the same. He's in love with what's -her -name. 367 00:37:00,450 --> 00:37:05,130 Big Jaws, Droopy Draw, Tanning at the end. Known to all as man's best friend. 368 00:37:05,390 --> 00:37:07,570 This old man, he'd take nine. 369 00:37:07,870 --> 00:37:10,110 He's as bad as yours or mine. 370 00:37:10,390 --> 00:37:12,510 Dick, Jack, Harry, Matt, Trevor, Doug or Mike. 371 00:37:25,580 --> 00:37:29,520 Her mother won't say. Saturday she packed and went away. 372 00:37:29,940 --> 00:37:35,620 Dennis Grove, Dennis Grove across the way. He went away on Saturday. 373 00:37:36,140 --> 00:37:39,860 Now wait, I know what you're going to say. 374 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,080 Perhaps he went on holiday. 375 00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:44,980 Yes, and Cynthia met him halfway. 376 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:51,560 That's not like Cynthia at all. She's not the sort of girl to muck about. 377 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,160 You're joking. 378 00:37:54,270 --> 00:37:58,430 Stop the scene and stop and take a bloke in. Oh, Elsie, he'll really have to 379 00:37:58,430 --> 00:38:01,550 urge her because her father is a verger and her mother is a vegetarian. 380 00:38:02,890 --> 00:38:04,290 They're trapped, young cow. 381 00:38:04,610 --> 00:38:06,770 Now, now, now. Now, now, now. 382 00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:09,990 Now, now, now. It'll turn out right, you'll see. 383 00:38:10,270 --> 00:38:11,850 Oh, very well. 384 00:38:12,310 --> 00:38:13,810 But time will tell. 385 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:17,910 You are just as bad as me. You are always putting two and two together and 386 00:38:17,910 --> 00:38:18,910 making three. 387 00:38:19,290 --> 00:38:21,090 Mimps the chairman's hobo. 388 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:28,800 Just remember what I say. Come what may, she'll be in the family way. One fine 389 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:31,680 day, that's why she's gone away. 390 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:50,860 We've got a new milkman. 391 00:38:51,390 --> 00:38:56,710 His skin is like silkman. His band's full of goodies he brings round to sell. 392 00:38:59,630 --> 00:39:01,170 He's full of surprises. 393 00:39:01,470 --> 00:39:03,530 He's got eggs of both sizes. 394 00:39:03,970 --> 00:39:07,830 And for our cream and full cream and whipped cream as well. 395 00:39:09,770 --> 00:39:15,610 But he's leaving next Sunday and he starts work on Monday at the new fish 396 00:39:15,610 --> 00:39:17,790 chip shop just down by the green. 397 00:39:19,050 --> 00:39:24,790 But I still drool with hunger at my fancy fishmonger. He's got cockles and 398 00:39:24,790 --> 00:39:26,850 muscles like you've never seen. 399 00:39:27,190 --> 00:39:29,570 They're alive, alive, oh. 400 00:39:30,350 --> 00:39:31,890 Alive, alive, oh. 401 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:36,970 Oh, no doubt about it. They're alive, alive, oh. 402 00:39:41,150 --> 00:39:46,310 Oh, dear, what can the matter be? I went to the hairdresser's Saturday. 403 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:50,560 We sat like hens in a battery while the young men did our hair. 404 00:39:51,020 --> 00:39:56,160 The first one to do me his name, it was Michael. He wanted to give me a ride on 405 00:39:56,160 --> 00:40:00,420 his cycle. As much as I'd like a good cycle with Michael, I don't trust his 406 00:40:00,420 --> 00:40:01,420 crossbar, so there. 407 00:40:02,580 --> 00:40:09,360 The second one, he was a Welsh boy called Billy. He wanted to show me the 408 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:13,740 hills of Caerphilly. I wouldn't trust Billy beyond Piccadilly. There's no 409 00:40:13,740 --> 00:40:15,260 mountain climbing up there. 410 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,760 Manager thought that he'd just keep his hand in. He promised to show me his flat 411 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,220 on the landing. But when we got there, it was nothing outstanding. 412 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,320 In fact, quite a pokey affair. 413 00:40:30,500 --> 00:40:37,480 Oh, dear, I'm not Saturday. No good responding to flattery. That won't 414 00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:41,320 recharge your battery. I'll do my own bloody hair. 415 00:40:55,820 --> 00:40:59,840 Manny at the end, you do the dance. Hurry up and tell me what, what, what. 416 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:03,740 Someone laced the punch with brandy and she never stood a chance. 417 00:41:03,940 --> 00:41:05,660 Drunk she got, silly cloth. 418 00:41:05,900 --> 00:41:11,040 Lost an earring in a fight. That's not all she lost that night. A policeman, so 419 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:13,560 they say, found her knickers a mile away. 420 00:41:25,420 --> 00:41:29,640 I've got to go and cook a flan. My husband Keith has lost his teeth. He 421 00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:30,640 them down the pan. 422 00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:36,400 I'll speak to Anne. Her husband Dan's a sanitary man. 423 00:41:36,740 --> 00:41:39,020 You never know where they may turn up. 424 00:42:10,540 --> 00:42:15,160 Well, that's all we have time for this week. Next week we'll talk to a man... 425 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:21,900 Next week we'll talk to a man who crossed a table tennis ball with an 426 00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:26,020 extremely tall chamber pot and got a ping -pong piddlehypo. 427 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:30,600 And 428 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:38,600 we've 429 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:39,600 just been told... 430 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:43,620 The police are desperately seeking the man who steals the ends of news items. 431 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:47,100 The man is described as tall and grey -haired with a very big. 432 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:59,080 And we've also heard that in Hounslow this evening, a mad dog bit an income 433 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:00,080 tax inspector. 434 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,840 After being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog has been 435 00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:04,840 to go home. 436 00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:11,640 And in the divorce court today, an 85 -year -old farmer divorced his 17 -year 437 00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,820 -old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her. 438 00:43:14,220 --> 00:43:16,700 He's now sacked all his hands and bought a combine harvester. 439 00:43:21,720 --> 00:43:24,680 That's all we've got time for this evening, so it's goodnight from me. And 440 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:26,060 goodnight from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.